Mismatched Desire (and How to Understand It): Insights from a Sex Therapist
Low libido vs. high libido — when one partner wants sex more often and the other doesn’t
— is one of the most common struggles I see in couples therapy. If this sounds familiar, you are far from alone.
Mismatched sexual desire doesn’t mean something is wrong with you or your relationship. It simply means you’re human. As a licensed therapist specializing in sex therapy and relationship counseling in Colorado, I’ve helped many couples understand this dynamic and rediscover intimacy with more compassion and connection.
Let’s explore why mismatched desire happens, the patterns couples often fall into, and how to begin navigating it in a way that strengthens—not separates—your relationship.
Understanding Mismatched Desire
Desire Isn’t Fixed—It’s Fluid
Sexual desire shifts throughout life. It changes with stress, hormones, emotional connection, health, and even how safe we feel in our bodies. Many people assume that desire should always match between partners, but that expectation sets everyone up for disappointment and shame.
Think about it—no two people get hungry at the exact same time or crave the same food every day. Why would sexual desire be any different?
When we release the idea that “healthy couples should want sex equally,” we create space for curiosity, empathy, and honest dialogue.
Why Mismatched Desire Happens
Biological and Emotional Factors
Desire is influenced by both the body and the mind. Fatigue, anxiety, depression, hormonal changes, chronic illness, and medication side effects can all affect libido. Past trauma or unresolved emotional pain can also show up as blocks to intimacy.
From a therapist’s perspective, your body’s first job is protection. When the nervous system senses danger or disconnection, it shuts down desire. This isn’t failure—it’s biology. Your body is saying, “I don’t feel safe enough to open right now.”
That’s why pressure to “just have sex more often” often backfires. We can’t move toward pleasure when our bodies are in defense mode.
Relational Factors
Emotional distance outside the bedroom almost always shows up inside it. Partners often have different intimacy languages: one may feel close through touch, the other through conversation or shared experiences.
When one partner carries more of the emotional or household load, exhaustion replaces desire. In therapy, I often hear, “I just want to rest.” That isn’t rejection—it’s depletion.
Understanding these layers helps shift the focus from blame to compassion.
Common Patterns Couples Fall Into
When desire becomes mismatched, couples often fall into predictable cycles:
1. The Rejection Loop
The partner with higher desire feels unwanted and begins to pursue more, hoping to restore closeness. The lower-desire partner, feeling pressured, withdraws further. The more one reaches, the more the other retreats.
2. Silence and Avoidance
Out of fear of hurting each other, partners stop talking about sex altogether. Avoidance feels safer than rejection—but it deepens disconnection.
3. Identity Struggles
The higher-libido partner might internalize shame, feeling “too much,” while the lower-libido partner may feel “not enough.” Both begin to lose confidence and self-compassion.
4. Performance Pressure
Sex starts to feel like a chore—a task to check off the list instead of a space for genuine connection. The spontaneity and playfulness that once sparked desire get replaced with anxiety and obligation.
These patterns aren’t evidence that love is fading. They’re signs that both nervous systems are protecting themselves from pain.
Tools for Navigating Desire Differences
1. Reframe What Intimacy Means
Intimacy is not just sex. It’s affection, laughter, emotional safety, playfulness, and daily moments of connection. When you nurture these other forms of closeness, sexual desire often returns naturally.
2. Communicate with Curiosity, Not Blame
Instead of “Why don’t you want sex?” try:
“What helps you feel more open to intimacy?”
“What helps you feel desired and connected?”
These questions invite dialogue instead of defensiveness. Share your desires as invitations, not obligations. “I’d love to feel close to you tonight” lands much softer than “We need to have sex.”
3. Create a Menu of Intimacy
Build a shared list of ways to connect that don’t have to lead to sex—like cuddling, hand-holding, massages, or simply lying together in quiet. This reduces pressure and restores the natural spark of curiosity and comfort.
4. See Context, Not Character Flaws
For the higher-desire partner: Your desire is valid. It’s not too much.
For the lower-desire partner: Your need for rest, safety, or emotional reconnection is equally valid.
When couples start viewing the issue as us versus the cycle—not you versus me—healing begins.
The Role of Safety in Desire
One of the biggest insights I share in sex therapy is this: desire thrives in safety.
Safety in your body.
Safety with your partner.
Safety in your relationship.
When we focus on fixing the “problem” of mismatched desire, we often miss the deeper truth: our bodies can’t open to connection when they feel unsafe, unseen, or pressured.
When couples shift the goal from “fixing the mismatch” to “creating safety,” everything begins to change. Conversations soften. Defenses ease.
And intimacy—both emotional and physical—has room to grow again.
Rebuilding Connection with Compassion
Different levels of desire don’t mean your relationship is failing. They are an opportunity to learn more about yourself, your partner, and what true intimacy means for both of you.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to take the next step in your healing journey.
✨ Try my free guided meditation for intimacy and connection—designed to help you ground into your body and reconnect with your sense of safety and openness.
🌿 Download your free “Sacred Spaces” booklet, filled with reflection prompts, grounding practices, and rituals for creating emotional and physical safety in your relationship.
💬 And if you’re ready for deeper support, I offer individual and couples sex therapy in Lakewood and across Colorado (telehealth available). Together, we can help you understand your patterns, rebuild emotional safety, and rediscover pleasure in connection.
About the Author
Raquel Perez, LPC is a licensed professional counselor and founder of Intima Couples and Sex Therapy PLLC in Lakewood, Colorado. She specializes in sex therapy, couples therapy, and trauma-informed care, helping individuals and partners create safety for insight, deepen emotional intimacy, and reconnect with pleasure and self-understanding.
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