When Family Doesn’t Feel Safe | Healing During the Holidays

By Raquel Perez, LPC
Licensed Therapist | Intima Couples and Sex Therapy PLLC

🌿 When the Holidays Bring Up More Pain Than Peace

The holidays are often portrayed as a time of warmth, joy, and togetherness.

But for many, they can also be a time of anxiety, grief, and emotional disconnection.

If family gatherings leave you feeling tense, unseen, or unsafe — you’re not alone.
As a therapist, I’ve seen how this season can stir up old wounds, especially for people navigating identity, sexuality, and belonging.

And as someone who came out later in life, I know this feeling personally.

💔 My Story of Coming Out at 39

For most of my adult life, I felt like my inner world didn’t match the life I was living.
I was a gay woman living as a straight one — and for years, that quiet misalignment became the backdrop of my life.

When I finally came out at 39, it was both freeing and terrifying.
There was joy and relief — but also guilt, fear, and grief for the years I had spent hiding.

I remember feeling like I owed people an explanation — as though I needed to justify why I hadn’t spoken my truth sooner.
My parents were very religious, and I worried they wouldn’t understand.

But I had met a wonderful woman — who is now my partner of four and a half years — and I knew I couldn’t continue living disconnected from who I really was.

That conversation with my parents was one of the hardest of my life.
There were tears, silence, and moments that didn’t go perfectly.
But there was also support — especially from my sister, who stood by me through it all.

Over time, I realized something powerful:
Safety doesn’t always come from being understood — sometimes it comes from finally understanding yourself.

🧠 Why Family Can Feel Unsafe (Even When There’s Love)

During the holidays, old patterns and unspoken roles tend to resurface.
Maybe you find yourself shrinking to keep the peace.
Maybe you brace for comments about your choices, your relationship, or your identity.
Or maybe you just feel out of place in a space that’s supposed to feel like “home.”

Our nervous systems remember these patterns.
Even when nothing dramatic happens, your body might feel the tension — the shallow breath, the tight chest, the instinct to retreat.

That’s not you being “too sensitive.”
That’s your body’s wisdom trying to protect you.
It’s the part of you that learned, often long ago, that authenticity could come with risk.

Understanding this is the first step toward healing.

💫 The Body’s Role in Emotional Safety

When your body senses emotional threat — like judgment, rejection, or disapproval — it activates the same stress responses designed for physical danger.
That’s why you might freeze, shut down, or disconnect.

This is your nervous system doing its job.
And while you can’t always change your family’s reactions, you can learn to care for your body’s need for safety in real time.

Here are a few ways to start:

• Notice what happens in your body. Do you tense up, stop breathing, or feel heat in your chest? Awareness is regulation’s first step.

• Ground yourself. Try pressing your feet into the floor or taking a long exhale through your mouth.

• Name what’s true. Internally remind yourself: “I am safe in this moment. I can care for myself here.”

These small, quiet choices help your nervous system feel anchored — even in difficult environments.

🌱 Creating Safety When Family Doesn’t Feel Safe

When external safety is uncertain, you can create safety within.

Here are a few practices that have helped both me and my clients:

1. Ground in Your Truth

You don’t have to perform, explain, or defend your identity.
Your truth is valid, even if others can’t understand it.
Every time you choose authenticity, you send your body the message: I am safe to be me.

2. Anchor in Support

Healing doesn’t happen in isolation.
Lean on those who truly see you — friends, partners, chosen family.
Let their presence remind you that love exists beyond bloodlines.

3. Set Gentle Boundaries

Boundaries don’t have to be confrontational.
Sometimes they sound like: “Let’s change the subject,” or “I’m going to step outside for a minute.”
Boundaries protect connection — they keep you close to yourself.

4. Create New Rituals

If old traditions feel painful, it’s okay to start your own.
Host a quiet evening with friends, cook your favorite meal, or light a candle to honor your growth.
New traditions help you redefine what “home” means.

🕯️ Healing Through the Holidays

Healing during the holidays isn’t about fixing your family — it’s about finding peace in your own skin.

You can honor both the grief and the gratitude that come with this season.
You can acknowledge the pain without letting it define you.

When I look back on the woman I was before I came out — the one who was terrified to disappoint others — I feel deep compassion for her.
She was trying to survive.
And now, I get to live.

No matter what your story looks like, you deserve that too.
Peace doesn’t require perfection — it begins with presence.
And the more you return to yourself, the more home you become.

🌿 Free Resource: Creating Safety for Insight

If this message resonates with you, I created a free guide called Creating Safety for Insight — a gentle, therapy-informed resource designed to help you reconnect with yourself and build emotional safety from within.

It includes reflection prompts, grounding practices, and simple ways to start honoring your truth.
You can download it for free here: Creating Safety for Insight.

💌 About Raquel Perez, LPC

I’m Raquel Perez, a licensed therapist and founder of Intima Couples and Sex Therapy PLLC, based in Lakewood, Colorado.
I specialize in relationship therapy, sex therapy, and emotional healing for adults navigating depression, anxiety, identity, and intimacy.
Through my work — and my YouTube channel, Everyday Therapy — I help people create safety for insight, reconnect to themselves, and build relationships rooted in authenticity and compassion.