Are You Actually Healing—Or Just Stuck in a Self-Improvement Loop?
Have you ever felt like the more you read self-help books or listen to personal development podcasts, the worse you feel? Like somehow, all the content that’s supposed to empower you is feeding the voice inside that says,
“You’re not enough yet?”
If so, you’re not alone—and it might not be a lack of motivation, but a lack of emotional safety that’s keeping you stuck.
I’m Raquel Perez, a Licensed Professional Counselor based in Colorado, and in my therapy practice, I specialize in helping individuals and couples work through depression, anxiety, and relationship struggles by creating safety for insight. In today’s post, we’re exploring a common but often overlooked experience: when self-help becomes another source of self-criticism.
The Trap of Constant Self-Improvement
We live in a time where growth is glorified. There’s always another journal prompt, another mindset shift, another morning routine to perfect. Don’t get me wrong—self-awareness and healing practices can be transformative. But there’s a darker side to this pursuit: the idea that you are never quite there yet.
This came up recently when I read a Reddit post from someone who described feeling more broken the more they tried to “fix” themselves through self-help.
They weren’t growing; they were caught in a cycle of consuming content that reinforced a belief that something was inherently wrong with them. And honestly? I’ve seen this play out in many of my clients—and even in myself.
As a therapist offering depression therapy, anxiety counseling, and insight-oriented psychotherapy, I’ve witnessed how self-help can become a form of avoidance. People dive into productivity hacks, communication tools, or spiritual practices, but without application and supportive integration, they’re left spinning. Because the truth is: real growth isn’t about doing more. It’s about creating space for what’s already inside of you to be seen, heard, and understood.
Acceptance Over Fixing
The Reddit author shared how their journey through self-help made them feel like they were never enough. This resonated deeply with me. In my own experience with depression, I’ve held internal narratives like
“My depression makes me lazy. It’s holding me back. I need to fix this.”
Sound familiar?
But the moment I began to sit with those beliefs—rather than trying to erase them
—something shifted.
I stopped seeing my depression as a defect and began understanding it as a coping mechanism. My depression had helped me quiet down in overwhelming environments. It helped me blend in, survive, and soften when I didn’t feel safe. It even became a source of compassion—a wellspring of empathy I now offer in my work with clients every day.
This is the magic of acceptance. When we stop fighting the parts of ourselves we’ve labeled as “wrong,” we gain access to their wisdom. And in doing so, we begin to truly heal.
You Need Safety for Insight
Here’s the second key insight: Insight requires safety.
We cannot reflect honestly, deeply, or gently on our lives if we feel emotionally unsafe. If your nervous system is on high alert, you’re not going to be able to explore your internal world—you’ll protect yourself from it instead.
This is why creating emotional safety is the foundation of the work I do in therapy. Whether I’m working with someone experiencing relationship issues, navigating ethical non-monogamy, or exploring sexual concerns, the first step is always the same: make space for curiosity without shame.
So how do you do that on your own?
Slow down. Not everything needs to be fixed right away.
Notice when self-help becomes self-harm. If you're reading a book that makes you feel broken, it might be time to pause.
Create a ritual of safety. Light a candle. Put on calming music. Ground yourself with breath. Let your body know it’s okay to feel.
Reflect with compassion. Ask, “What part of me is showing up here, and what does it need?”
What This Means for Your Healing
If you're someone who’s been stuck in the loop of self-improvement, I want to lovingly suggest: You are not broken.
You may just need safety.
And if you're ready to explore this further in a supportive space, therapy might be the next step. At Intima Couples & Sex Therapy PLLC, I work with adults across Colorado—both individually and in relationships—offering a blend of insight-based therapy and emotionally safe exploration.
You don’t have to do this alone. Healing doesn’t happen through content alone—it happens through connection.
Free Resource: Your Safe Space for Insight
As a thank you for being here, I’ve created a free 15-page guide to help you begin creating your own safe space for insight. It includes mindfulness prompts, reflection exercises, and rituals for grounding and emotional safety.
And if you’re looking for a gentle entry point into this work, check out my affirmation meditation for acceptance—designed to help you reconnect with the parts of you that deserve care, not correction.
Interested in working together?
I offer virtual therapy for individuals and couples across Colorado, including support for depression, anxiety, emotional insight, infidelity recovery, and sex therapy for issues like low libido, sexual dysfunction, or communication challenges around intimacy. Insurance is accepted through Headway, or you can reach out directly to inquire about availability.
Let’s create safety for your healing—together.
